"Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope."
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet."
"Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups."
"Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please."
"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company."
"God did not intend religion to be an exercise club."
"Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving."
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
"Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering."
Marilyn vos Savant
"He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house."
Zsa Zsa Gabor
"Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?"
"How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand."
"I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific."
"I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens."
"I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and Fries."
"I bought some batteries, but they weren't included."
"I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me."
"I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host."
"I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food."
W. C. Fields
"I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty."
"I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink."
Joe E. Lewis
"A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five."
"A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat."
"A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul."
George Bernard Shaw
"A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live."
"A lot of baby boomers are baby bongers."
"A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore."
"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him,"
"A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man."
"A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it."
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