"People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made."
"I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds."
"Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I'm unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore. I'm angry that libraries have gone. I hate children on planes. I'm very shallow, so they tend to be little things. To be honest, I think I was probably angry the day I was born, you know, about diapers or something."
"Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise."
"If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor."
"Never floss with a stranger."
"I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio."
