"The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time."
"Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen."
"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything."
"Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience."
"Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter."
"Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been."
"Work is a necessary evil to be avoided."
"When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained."
"Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life."
"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first."
"I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up."
"There are people who can do all fine and heroic things but one - keep from telling their happiness to the unhappy."
"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company."
"By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean."
"Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please."
"Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it."
"A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way."
"In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards."
"Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect."
"It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech."
"When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear."
"Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured."
"To succeed in life, you need two things: ignorance and confidence."
"The secret of getting ahead is getting started."