"One picture is worth 1,000 denials."
"Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it."
Laurence J. Peter
"Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf."
"Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children."
"Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish."
"People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant."
"Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday."
"Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours."
"Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I."
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
"Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs."
"That's my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard."
"The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder."
"The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl."
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby."
"The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver."
"The superfluous, a very necessary thing."
"The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love."
Joe E. Lewis
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments."
"There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full."
Henry A. Kissinger
"There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch too many of them together."
"There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap."
"There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it."
"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die."
"TV is chewing gum for the eyes."
Frank Lloyd Wright
"Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell."
"We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect."
"Weather forecast for tonight: dark."
"What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?"
W. Clement Stone
"When I go to a bar, I don't go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine."
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