"My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic."
"My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings."
"My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is."
"My mother was against me being an actress - until I introduced her to Frank Sinatra."
"My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare."
"Never fight an inanimate object."
P. J. O'Rourke
"Never floss with a stranger."
"Never have more children than you have car windows."
"I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name."
"I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap."
"I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me."
"I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead."
"I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle."
"I failed to make the chess team because of my height."
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
"I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people."
"I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun."
"I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time."
Charles M. Schulz
"I have never been hurt by what I have not said."
"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three."
"I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well."
"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her."
"I intend to live forever. So far, so good."
"I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio."
"I like children - fried."
W. C. Fields
"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."
"I like marriage. The idea."
"I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap."
"I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known."
"I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money."
Share this page
Subscribe free newsletter