"I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it."
"I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do."
"I never said most of the things I said."
"I rant, therefore I am."
"I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights."
"I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member."
"I sang in the choir for years, even though my family belonged to another church."
"I spent a year in that town, one Sunday."
"I think serial monogamy says it all."
"I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut."
"I used to be Snow White, but I drifted."
"I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass."
"I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own."
"I was born in very sorry circumstances. Both of my parents were very sorry."
"Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly."
"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."
"Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before."
"Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did."
"By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean."
"California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange."
"Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely."
"Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country."
"Do not let a flattering woman coax and wheedle you and deceive you; she is after your barn."
"Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day."
"Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing."
"Electricity is really just organized lightning."
"Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands."
"Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them."
"Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name."
"Fashions have done more harm than revolutions."