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Funny Quotes
"When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick."
George Burns
"I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator."
Emo Philips
"I was the kid next door's imaginary friend."
Emo Philips
"I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone."
Rod Schmidt
"I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down."
Mitch Hedberg
"I wish I had the nerve not to tip."
Paul Lynde
"I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong."
Bertrand Russell
"I would talk in iambic pentameter if it were easier."
Howard Nemerov
"I'd luv to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair."
Bette Davis
"I'd never been in play long enough for the flowers to die in the dressing room."
Mercedes McCambridge
"I'm kidding about having only a few dollars. I might have a few dollars more."
James Brown
"I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago."
Will Rogers
"I'm undaunted in my quest to amuse myself by constantly changing my hair."
Hillary Clinton
"I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me."
Elayne Boosler
"If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor."
Joan Rivers
"If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets."
Mel Brooks
"If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?"
Lily Tomlin
"If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job."
Woody Allen
"If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?"
Lily Tomlin
"If two wrongs don't make a right, try three."
Laurence J. Peter
"In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first."
George Carlin
"In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk."
Rita Rudner
"It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes."
Jay London
"It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate."
Dave Barry
"It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether."
Johnny Vegas
"It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man."
H. L. Mencken
"Miami Beach is where neon goes to die."
Lenny Bruce
"Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative."
Henry A. Kissinger
"Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem."
Bill Vaughan
"My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them."
Mitch Hedberg
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