"When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick."
"I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator."
"I was the kid next door's imaginary friend."
"I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone."
"I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down."
"I wish I had the nerve not to tip."
"I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong."
"I would talk in iambic pentameter if it were easier."
"I'd luv to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair."
"I'd never been in play long enough for the flowers to die in the dressing room."
"I'm kidding about having only a few dollars. I might have a few dollars more."
"I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago."
"I'm undaunted in my quest to amuse myself by constantly changing my hair."
"I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me."
"If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor."
"If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets."
"If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?"
"If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job."
"If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?"
"If two wrongs don't make a right, try three."
Laurence J. Peter
"In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first."
"In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk."
"It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes."
"It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate."
"It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether."
"It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man."
H. L. Mencken
"Miami Beach is where neon goes to die."
"Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative."
Henry A. Kissinger
"Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem."
"My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them."
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